NEW YORK (AP) — In a plot twist that could only be cooked up in a season finale of a low-budget political drama, President Donald Trump has officially applied for a get-out-of-jail-free card, appealing his latest hush money saga. In a thrilling first for humanity, he now holds the title of the first person with a criminal record to win the office of the presidency, proving that history truly does reward the most *colorful* of characters.
Trump’s legal team has unleashed a notice of appeal faster than a kid can run from the dinner table when broccoli is served. They’re clamoring for the state’s mid-level appeals court to do what millions have dreamt of: make his conviction for 34 counts of “I forgot where I put my receipts” disappear like his promises during a campaign rally.
This riveting case, which revolves around an alleged scheme to conceal a hush money payment to adult film star Stormy Daniels (surely Disney will pick this up next for a family-friendly blockbuster), is unique in that it’s the only one of Trump’s legal adventures that made it to trial. The rest must have been waiting for the sequel.
Filing an appeal in New York means the circus continues, allowing Trump’s legal eagles to air their grievances in front of a new audience. And, of course, the fabulous Manhattan district attorney’s office is poised to respond, probably clutching their pearls and shaking their heads in disbelief.
In a desperate attempt to twist fate, Trump has switched legal teams faster than a contestant on a dating reality show. The new big names from Sullivan & Cromwell LLP are ready to spin this web of legal intrigue, led by the co-chair Robert J. Giuffra Jr., because nothing screams “trustworthy representation” quite like a name that sounds like it belongs on a law firm sign near a golf course.
“President Donald J. Trump’s appeal is important for… oh who are we kidding, it’s important for Trump,” declared Giuffra, speaking on behalf of all the legal guidelines that will surely have a nervous breakdown during this process. He asserted that the Manhattan DA’s legal shenanigans create a “dangerous precedent,” which probably translates to “How dare you hold a former reality TV star accountable?”
After being sentenced to what’s humorously called an “unconditional discharge” — a term that might make one think the prison staff simply got fed up — Trump’s conviction remains but with no fine or slap on the wrist. It’s like being told you can’t go to the prom but still getting to attend the afterparty!
While the trial judge, Juan M. Merchan, rejected Trump’s attempts to spout presidential immunity (as if that were a real superhero power), Trump claimed via video that this entire situation was a “political witch hunt,” which sounds more like a Halloween special than a courtroom battle.
Last May, a Manhattan jury decided that Trump’s records, kept in what could only be described as a well-furnished vault of lavish headaches, were more smoke and mirrors than gold-plated ledgers. The accusation? Mislabeling payments to his lawyer Michael Cohen as legal fees to hide the mouthful that was $130,000 paid to Daniels to prevent the world from knowing too much about his alleged extracurricular activities.
While Daniels threatens to spill the beans about a supposed late-night rendezvous, Trump denies any wrongdoing, reiterating that the payments were, classily enough, just standard “legal expenses.” Can someone pass the popcorn?
“For this I got indicted,” Trump opined at his sentencing, possibly questioning why reality doesn’t come with a guidebook. It’s almost like he stumbled into a courtroom without realizing he was in his latest career episode.
In the magnificent twist of this operatic saga, Trump cannot poof himself away with a presidential pardon — but why allow small details like the law to ruin the fun?
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