In a stunning showcase of efficiency, Donald Trump has gone from granting a measly one pardon in his first term to averaging approximately one pardon every time he blinks in his dazzling comeback. If this keeps up, we might as well just start handing out pardons like Halloween candy!
Just days into his second term, amidst a whirlwind of executive orders for everything from eliminating daytime naps to declaring Wednesdays as “Dress Like a Dinosaur Day,” pardons have claimed the spotlight. With a classic flourish of his executive pen, Trump seems determined to show appreciation to his loyal fans—an impressive feat when you consider that reality TV stars usually don’t write thank-you notes, let alone pardon declarations.
Stay tuned for the real-time drama of politics!
One Trump official chimed in: “There were campaign promises made, and let me tell you, the president is a man of his word—unless that word is ‘no.’” These pardons are but a glimmer of his ultimate goal of establishing Trump World: a land where no promise is too absurd, and nobody is above the law—unless they vote for him.
On his very first day back in office, Trump surprised his own supporters by absolving everyone involved in the January 6th Capitol escapade. Apparently, he believed that violence against law enforcement should be on the same list as “getting a bad haircut.” Common sense on Capitol Hill just took a vacation.
Attention all federal government employees! Join the ranks of whistleblowers trying to hide from social media. If you’ve got a story to tell, consider emailing [email protected] or check in through more formal channels.
But hold the phone—his pardon spree didn’t stop there! On Tuesday, he pardoned Ross Ulbricht, the man behind Silk Road, proving that if you create an effective online marketplace for illegal substances, Trump will meet you at the “free pass” counter with a smile.
The very next day, Trump wowed the world again by pardoning two D.C. police officers found guilty of mishaps during a high-speed chase. It appears first responders are only ‘first’ when they get to say, “Oops, my bad!”
Then, in what seems to be part of a clever strategy to boost attendance at an upcoming anti-abortion rally, Trump pardoned a whopping 23 activists. It seems pro-lifers are now getting the kind of VIP treatment previously reserved for rock stars and those annoying Instagram influencers.
Senator Josh Hawley, seeing a golden opportunity, tweeted frantically, rallying his merry band of advocates to shout louder for similar pardons. Talk about a well-timed group effort! Hawley claimed to have had an informative chat with Trump—the kind of chat that might not change the world but definitely cements their bromance.
Nothing says “let’s save our friendships” like freeing a handful of convicts who were simply misunderstood! Maybe next time they’ll throw caution to the wind, rob a bank, and hope for a sideline sermon instead! We know they’ll probably put it on their resumes: “Pardoned by The Donald.”
In a shocking twist, as former President Biden was focusing on pardoning nonviolent drug offenders in the back alley of the political spectrum, Trump decided to kick things into high gear. Who knew that governing could be so much fun when you sidestep the norm and leap into the politically controversial?
Now, not everyone is left out in the cold. There are organized efforts by several groups, such as the Congressional Black Caucus and civil rights leaders, to put their names on Trump’s ever-expanding whimsical petition list—“Just imagine the heartwarming photos if they’re freed while wearing matching ‘I’m Sorry I Broke the Law’ T-shirts!”
Most presidents wait until their terms are nearly caput before tossing out a few pardons like confetti. But not Trump; he’s here to rewrite the pardon handbook faster than you can say “candidacy run.” A campaign promise met with the astute logic of “why wait?”
As more wild requests push through Secretary of Pardons, we simply cannot predict where this legendary tale will lead. Will Trump pardon a long-forgotten cat video creator? Will he throw leniency at unscrupulous reality show producers? Or will he finally bestow a pardon on himself? Stay tuned, because it appears the pardon party is just getting started!
With quotes from imploring politicians and a smattering of increasingly dubious characters seeking forgiveness, the only thing that’s certain is that everyone is in for a wild ride—a roller coaster of laughable proportions!
Interested in climbing aboard this absurd train? You can keep track of the latest “pardon palooza” by visiting NBCNews.com.
